It's an awful predicament... Wanting to regain some control over a situation that is emotionally hurting you and feeling utterly powerless. Being at the mercy of another. And that other telling you over and over again that he cares about you, that he doesn't want to hurt you, and ends up doing nothing but...
The gamut of emotions one undergoes in such a situation is quite mind-boggling. To go from complete elation, tumbling in a downward spiral to a nadir of depression, sadness and even lower self-esteem.
A new experience for me, the schizophrenia of feeling such desire and longing one moment, and wanting to extract revenge the next, making him hurt as much as I'm being hurt. I have found that it is quite possible for disparate or mutually exclusive emotions to coexist.
At what point does one successfully disassociate themselves from the one that previously took up so much of their time? How hard should it be to give up on the one that became a welcome new habit, a muse, an object of intense desire? How can one "remain friends" with another, when words are no longer spoken, when one party needs "time to think" and does so by remaining completely silent?
At what stage does one's deep and insatiable curiosity give way to apathy and anger? Anger at the way one has been treated. Anger at the way one has been discarded, seemingly so easily, with complete disregard for their feelings.
Naturally, what inevitably follows on from this is a high degree of self-loathing. How can a woman fall for a married man? Why does she expect more from a situation such as this? Did the cynicism that was developed in a previous, failed marriage lead her to think that such conditions could produce a positive outcome?
It is obvious that because I have deduced, on a purely personal level, that the institution of marriage is greatly flawed for so many reasons, I have wrongly assumed that everyone will eventually come to this realisation also. Wow! What a loaded statement!
It is extremely difficult for a person with a temperament such as mine to refrain from trying to impart words of wisdom on a topic such as this one. With love and caring for another being my sole motive, I have unconsciously and without malice, tried to impose my negative opinion of marriage on another. This was done in the hopes that he, in turn, would become enlightened and not waste any more time trying to fix an already doomed union.
Considering and assessing this situation occurs less and less these days - I guess what they say is true: "Time heals all wounds". But, there are times yet when loneliness and a strong need to share experiences, thoughts and opinions with another obliterate the logic of moving on and getting on with one's life.
Being an eternal optimist, I am guilty of thinking that things will improve, even though the signs, or lack thereof, are repeatedly forecasting a gloomier conclusion.
There are times when I see a glimmer of what used to be shared. An in joke, a comment or observation that could only be made by that particular person, a shining example of the character and personality that I fell in love with.
It's hard to let go... but, by the same token, the optimism referred to extends to the concept of being free from these hurtful emotions, finding distraction and liberation in new directions and opportunities, whether it be here, or elsewhere in the world. I have always been one that strives to follow my dreams. I can state with certainty that this experience won't be any different...