Thursday, April 8, 2010

a creative piece...

It's an awful predicament... Wanting to regain some control over a situation that is emotionally hurting you and feeling utterly powerless. Being at the mercy of another. And that other telling you over and over again that he cares about you, that he doesn't want to hurt you, and ends up doing nothing but...

The gamut of emotions one undergoes in such a situation is quite mind-boggling. To go from complete elation, tumbling in a downward spiral to a nadir of depression, sadness and even lower self-esteem.

A new experience for me, the
schizophrenia of feeling such desire and longing one moment, and wanting to extract revenge the next, making him hurt as much as I'm being hurt. I have found that it is quite possible for disparate or mutually exclusive emotions to coexist.

At what point does one successfully disassociate themselves from the one that previously took up so much of their time? How hard should it be to give up on the one that became a welcome new habit, a muse, an object of intense desire? How can one "remain friends" with another, when words are no longer spoken, when one party needs "time to think" and does so by remaining completely silent?

At what stage does one's deep and insatiable curiosity give way to apathy and anger? Anger at the way one has been treated. Anger at the way one has been discarded, seemingly so easily, with complete disregard for their feelings.

Naturally, what inevitably follows on from this is a high degree of self-loathing. How can a woman fall for a married man? Why does she expect more from a situation such as this? Did the cynicism that was developed in a previous, failed marriage lead her to think that such conditions could produce a positive outcome?

It is obvious that because I have deduced, on a purely personal level, that the institution of marriage is greatly flawed for so many reasons, I have wrongly assumed that everyone will eventually come to this realisation also. Wow! What a loaded statement!

It is extremely difficult for a person with a temperament such as mine to refrain from trying to impart words of wisdom on a topic such as this one. With love and caring for another being my sole motive, I have unconsciously and without malice, tried to impose my negative opinion of marriage on another. This was done in the hopes that he, in turn, would become
enlightened and not waste any more time trying to fix an already doomed union.

Considering and assessing this situation occurs less and less these days - I guess what they say is true: "Time heals all wounds". But, there are times yet when loneliness and a strong need to share experiences, thoughts and opinions with another obliterate the logic of
moving on and getting on with one's life.

Being an eternal optimist, I am guilty of thinking that things will improve, even though the signs, or lack thereof, are repeatedly forecasting a gloomier conclusion.

There are times when I see a glimmer of what used to be shared. An
in joke, a comment or observation that could only be made by that particular person, a shining example of the character and personality that I fell in love with.

It's hard to let go... but, by the same token, the optimism referred to extends to the concept of being free from these hurtful emotions, finding distraction and liberation in new directions and opportunities, whether it be here, or elsewhere in the world. I have always been one that strives to follow my dreams. I can state with certainty that this experience won't be any different...


  1. Wow Bikiechic that is one powerful blog. You write really well, I could feel your frustration at being caught/suspended/trapped in a place you had thought you had escaped. Good work - more please.

  2. Hello Anthony...
    Thank-you for your kind words.
    Not bad for a "creative piece" eh? ;)

  3. This rings so close to home with me that it's not even funny. While the situations differ greatly, believe me when I say I can relate to and sympathize with the anger, animosity, bitterness, depression, frustration, loneliness, self-loathing and uncertainty that you have had to endure through this.

    As for the marriage bit, sounds like we're pretty like-minded on that front as well. Does that make us cynical and jaded, or do we just see the concept behind the social institution of marriage to be highly overrated and filled with false hopes?

  4. Jimmy B...

    What can I say?
    It sounds as though you and I could talk (and agree) for hours on this subject.

    I was nodding vigorously whilst reading your comments. Pity you're in the States... I'd invite you out for a coffee... ;)

  5. I totally hear you. What really gets me is how long a person can go swinging between the highs and lows, being progressively battered by the hurts that the person who supposedly cares about you causes.. for what seems like an infinity. I've done it and certainly seen many friends do this. Letting go is one of the hardest things to do, but once done suddenly the world begins to creep forward taking you with it. :-)

  6. Wow Bikiechic,
    I have lived through an experience like this also. I had felt completely lost being on my own after years of having someone by my side. I then had to face the emptiness of being lonely and the dreadful feeling of loss, as if it was a death. It took some time before I found my feet and felt in control again with freedom and new independance and of course proud "girl power". LOL! I had basically been on my own for 5 years after "finding myself" and who I really am, and last year have met the most incredible man and we are completely in love in every sense of the word. I am almost 40 years old so it took me a long time to find the man I was destined to be with. I was completely happy before meeting him and now he has enhanced my life and given me true love which I denied that I even needed while I was single. Everyone wants love and to be in love and Im sure your soul mate is out there waiting to meet you. Thanks for sharing your stories - you really are an inspiring and strong woman.

  7. Thank-you for your comments, "Anonymous". It's great that you've found love out there... it's a rare thing... :)

    Anonymous posts get my mind racing... I wish you had supplied more details! Are you a follower? Are you a fellow biker?? PLEASE! Put my mind at rest before I sspontaneously combust! :)


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